Jan Allen's Humor Page


Be Careful of What You Wish For!
A  woman was having a party for her husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF!   She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF!  He was 90.

Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They  always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
7) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
8) Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
9) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
10) School lunches stick to the wall.
11) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
12) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3) One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4) Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
5) The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere-and let the air out of their tires.
6) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
7) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
8) Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
9) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
10) My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
11) If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

 Great Truths About Growing Old:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
3) You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have  babies: They would put them down somewhere and  forget where they left them.
6) One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make person gain five pounds.
7) I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
8) There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
9) Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
10) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
11) Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
12) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
13) Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
14) Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

 The Two Major Food Groups:
 A) Anything you can put cheese on. (REMEMBER: I'M FROM WISCONSIN!)
 B) Everything else you can put chocolate on.

The Four Stages of Life:
 1) You believe in Santa Claus.
 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
 3) You are Santa Claus.
 4) You look like Santa Claus.

HMO Better Blues:

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist
asked him what he had.  He replied, "I got shingles."

She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address,
medical insurance number.  When you're done, please take a
seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him
what he had.  He said, "I got shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical
history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the
examining room."

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "I got shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said,
"I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles
anywhere."

The man replied, "They're outside in the truck.  Where do you
want them?

(The Far Side Version of) How To Handle Stress

1.  When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
2.  Forget the Diet Center and email yourself a candygram.
3.  Make a list of things you have already done.
4.  Dance naked in front of your pets.
5.  Put your toddler's (or grandkids) cloths on backwards and send them to pre-school as if nothing was wrong.
6.  Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman numerals.
7. Write in black magic marker "out to lunch" on your forehead.
8.  Pay your electric bill in pennies.
9. Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite T.V. episode during that important meeting.
10.  Polish your car with jello. (you'll be amazed at the number of people who will stop and ask you if it really works!)
11. Read the dictionary upside down to look for "secret messages."
12.  Bill your doctor for the time spent in his/her waiting room.
13.  Write a short story, using alphabet soup.
14.  Lie on your back eating celery and use your navel as a salt dipper.
15. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they are in jail.
16.  Make up a language and ask for directions.

No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn:

We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt